Take her! Please!
by Serinity46
Summary: A blatant Mary Sue by the name of Emerald Crystal Daydrop Showercurtain Athena Potter-Black-Snape-Sparrow-Turner-Tyler-Noble-Jones-Harkness-Baggins-Greenleaf is quickly handed off to different fandoms, including POTC, Doctor Who, Harry Potter, and LOTR.


Emerald Crystal Daydrop Showercurtain Athena Potter-Black-Snape-Sparrow-Turner-Tyler-Noble-Jones-Harkness-Baggins-Greenleaf stepped out of the doors to the mall in her small American town, with bags laden with over two thousand dollars worth of size zero items from Hot Topic and Hollister, her two absolute favorite stores in the entire universe. It was an ordinary day, but Emerald was no ordinary girl. Ever since she'd been born and soon abandoned at an orphanage after her parents, who she didn't know, had tragically died for some tragic reason, she naturally had bright purple hair which flowed down to her ankles.

Across the street, Emerald Crystal Daydrop Showercurtain Athena Potter-Black-Snape-Sparrow-Turner-Tyler-Noble-Jones-Harkness-Baggins-Greenleaf spotted something shiny, like a golden whirlpool, swirling around on the cement.

"Ooh, what's that?" She said aloud, having a habit of talking to herself if no one else was there, as she gazed, transfixed, on the golden whirlpool that no one else but her seemed to notice. "Oh, I bet it goes somewhere! I _have_ to go see what it is!"

On anyone else, it would have been difficult to run across the street so quickly in three-inch heeled 'gothic' boots and a very short 'preppy' mini-skirt, but not for Emerald. She was always good at doing anything that other ordinary people couldn't do. She wondered sometimes if she had superpowers… most likely, she thought, since she didn't know who her parents were, so obviously she must secretly have some kind of superhuman abilities that she inherited from them. Maybe, one day, she would randomly discover she was a witch and attend Hogwarts? (Joining in as a Sixth Year student, of course, because she was just that clever).

On the corner of the sidewalk which the mysterious swirling gold whirlpool was on, a mysterious silhouette of a person smiled fiendishly. Emerald saw him or her, but didn't think anything of it as she casually stepped into the center of it.

"Everything's so _mysterious_!" She exclaimed, starting to get the feeling like the wind around her was rushing faster, spinning around and around until she was too dizzy to even see anything clearly anymore. "Wait, what's happening!? Someone help! Oh My God!! This is so not cool or gothiiicc…"

After a flash of black, Emerald blinked, to find she was standing somewhere completely new.

"Where am I?" She wondered, flipping open her compact to re-apply her sparkly pink Cover Girl lipgloss across her perfectly plump lips. She certainly didn't want to come across a hot guy from a fictional location without her make-up done perfectly!

It was a boat, she could feel, by the rocking motion beneath her feet. Looking around, Emerald saw it was no ordinary ship… it was… a pirate ship! Gasp!

"Hello? Is anyone here? Ooh, swords!" She picked up a sword off of the wall, and proceeded to swing it around in perfect form, even though she'd never even touched a sword before in her life.

"Oh, no…" A voice from above moaned, spotting the purple-haired teenage girl who'd just appeared on the ship out of nowhere, who was now swinging around a sword as if she'd actually ever done any sort of training, or at least maybe a class on fencing once at summer camp or in Phy Ed, which she hadn't.

"Hello," Emerald looked up at the man, recognizing him as Jack Sparrow, from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, "Did I just fall into a fandom I don't belong in? Well I'm very good with this sword, aren't I?"

She smiled, proudly.

"Not again…" Jack Sparrow shook his head, witheringly, "I swear if _one more_ American girl from the 21st century lands on my ship… so what's your name, luv?"

"Oh! It's quite an awesome name, totally unique with a special meaning that shows off my awesomeness! It's Emerald Crystal Daydrop Showercurtain Athena Potter-Black-Snape-Sparrow-Turner-Tyler-Noble-"

"And, that settles it." Jack's eyes rolled, cutting her off before she could finish getting into the rest of the last names that the girl in impossibly tight size-zero clothes that accentuated her, completely natural, size double D breasts possessed.

He hurried down the stairs towards Emerald, just as she began to levitate the sword with her mind.

"I'm calling someone, I took the last one off _his_ hands, about time he did the same for me," Jack looked around until his eyes came upon Emerald again, "Have you got a mobile on you?"

"Yes, of course! Which one do you want, the iPhone or the latest from LG?" Emerald produced the two shiny devices from in-between her cleavage, holding them out for Jack. "Oh, and I know I've also got an iPhone in pink somewhere around here, too… I left my Motorola at the orphanage, though."

Taking one of the two that she held out, Jack quickly dialed a number of an old friend of his, who was about as plagued with these Mary Sues as he was, maybe even more.

* * *

"What's that noise?" Emerald looked over, a few minutes later, after Captain Jack Sparrow had finished calling up whoever it was he'd called. It was like a whooshing whirr, and breeze nearby them picked up out of nowhere as a blue police call box pulsed into existence on the deck of the Black Pearl. "Hey, Jack, did you know I've just discovered I can read minds? And create force-fields?!"

"Take her! Please!" Jack, grabbing Emerald by the arm, hurried over and pounded on the door of the TARDIS the second that it had fully appeared.

"I don't care if she _can_ magically do everything better than every other companion combined, _or_ if she claims to be my long-lost daughter," The Doctor said to Jack, exasperatingly opening the TARDIS doors. "Taking the best doesn't mean taking on random American teens with superpowers."

"You don't have to _keep_ her," Jack pleaded, "Just…drop her off on some planet somewhere."

"Can't _you_ drop her off on an island somewhere?" The Doctor questioned, glancing at the girl with ankle-length purple hair and two iPhones.

"I'm running out of islands," Jack muttered.

Emerald looked at the Doctor, and the interior of the TARDIS behind him.

"Like, OMG!" She exclaimed, flipping her hair, "I think I AM your long-lost daughter!"

The Doctor just stared at her as she entered the TARDIS.

"Yeah, cuz did you know that NO ONE else on earth has brown eyes except you and me?" Emerald continued, looking around the TARDIS consoles as if she automatically knew exactly what each of them did.

"Your eyes are green," The Doctor told her plainly, glancing back to Jack Sparrow as if to say 'I'm dumping my next Sue on _you_ for this…'

"Oh… what?" Emerald looked over at him, thrown off by this, "No, no they're not, see…I can change the color of them, look!"

Her eyes suddenly became a chocolate brown.

"Yeah, and my actual daughter's eyes were _blue_, you know," The Doctor said, which just caused Emerald to quickly turn her eyes a sparkling light sapphire. "And anyways, your hair is _naturally purple_, and you're _American_… how in the universe could you _possibly_ be the daughter of either Rose, Donna, or Martha? You and me, _not_ related."

"Uh huh, fine," Emerald nodded, "But I've still figured out how to drive this thing after two seconds of looking at it."

"How do you feel about Scotland?" The Doctor, coming up with a place to dump her, looked over to Emerald, "You're probably a witch, too, right? Possibly a distant heir of Slytherin or Gryffindor?"

* * *

Somewhere in an uncharted place in Scotland, in the office of Albus Dumbledore at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the TARDIS appeared, causing Albus to look over in mild surprise.

"Doctor?" Dumbledore inquired, this not being the first time that he'd seen the TARDIS in his lifetime, "What brings you to Hogwarts?"

"A Mary Sue," The Doctor said, stepping out from the TARDIS with Emerald following him, "Dumped on me by Jack Sparrow, care to take her?"

"Ah… she from North America?" Dumbledore looked the purple-haired girl in perfect black Rimmel eyeliner, Revlon volumizing mascara, this powder blue eyeshadow that changed colors every ten seconds depending on her mood, Hot Topic stiletto boots, and a tight Hollister top up and down.

"Yup," The Doctor nodded, "Random superpowers and a tragic orphan past included… and she claims to be my daughter, even though she _really obviously isn't_."

"And what mix of species would you say she is?" Dumbledore asked, watching as Emerald proceeded to text somebody on her iPhone, getting it to work, even though Muggle technology didn't generally work at Hogwarts for normal students.

"Oh, I'm part veela, vampire, mermaid, metamorphmagus, werewolf, nymph, and elf," Emerald answered casually, "Oh yeah, and a witch, I'm that, too, obviously."

"I'm not taking your next one, you know," Dumbledore told the Doctor, though agreeing that he'd take Emerald off of his hands for a bit.

As the Doctor took off in the TARDIS, Dumbledore looked back at Emerald, despairingly.

"So, Should we bother to sort you like a normal student, or just ask if you'd rather be in Gryffindor or Slytherin, since that's where you're obviously going to end up, no matter what?" Dumbledore inquired.

"Hmm…" pondered Emerald Crystal Daydrop Showercurtain Athena Potter-Black-Snape-Sparrow-Turner-Tyler-Noble-Jones-Harkness-Baggins-Greenleaf, "Well… Harry Potter is in Gryffindor, but Malfoy's in Slytherin, so that depends which one I want to screw, doesn't it?"

Dumbledore just groaned, and whipped the sorting hat onto her head.

"Hmm… let's see… a tricky one here…" The sorting hat mused over which house to place Emerald into. She seemed surprisingly just a touch too special for any of them! "More loyal and hardworking than a Hufflepuff, a cleverness which would astound any Ravenclaw, bravery that surpasses even the bravest of Gryffindors, and a cunning far beyond Slytherin… you are, without a doubt, the most talented student ever admitted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I think I'll put you in… UNICORNRAINBOWTOWER!"

Dumbledore gaped at the hat.

"But… that's not even a house? Certainly that does not exist…" He wondered, for a moment, if the sorting hat was just putting him on.

"Every 1000 years, Hogwarts accepts someone _so_ magnificent, that they are placed in only the highest, most secret of houses," The hat explained, "The symbol is a winged kangaroo tiger, and the colors are amethyst and rose."

"Brilliant," Emerald smiled, taking off the hat, "Hey, do you want to see my animagus forms? I can do three different ones, did you know? Yeah, a phoenix, a sparkly dolphin with pure white dove wings, and a-"

Dumbledore did not even want to know. With a sigh, looked to the Sue as he drew out his wand.

"Emerald," He said to her, "Have you ever heard of Middle Earth?"

"Oh, yes!" She squeeled, "I want to snog and marry Legolas oh so dearly! Why?"

With a mischievous twinkle in her eyes, Dumbledore pointed his wand at Emerald.

"_Sueius Transportus_!" He cried. A second later, Emerald Crystal Daydrop Showercurtain Athena Potter-Black-Snape-Sparrow-Turner-Tyler-Noble-Jones-Harkness-Baggins-Greenleaf was surrounded in a spinning purple light, and soon she vanished clear out of his office.

"Must remember that spell…" Dumbledore muttered, as he smiled to himself.


End file.
